I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
