Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Randomize
