I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
