I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
