Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
