i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
