I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Watching her eat just hurts me
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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