Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
