Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
