my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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