So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
this boner is exhausting
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
