One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
