does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I met the friendliest cop last night
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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