Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
