Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
