I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
