even my farts smell like vagina
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He better not be in your backpack
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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