I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
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You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
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Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down