I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?