when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
