I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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