We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
