is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
