I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
