I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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