winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Bring me that man meat
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
