She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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