The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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