guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Sorry about my life...
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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