respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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