My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
