remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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