My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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