her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
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