Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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