I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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