last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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