i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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