I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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