Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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