i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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