I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
