Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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