some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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