he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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