is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
