Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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