Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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