My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
