Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
