I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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