i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I supernannyed him into submission
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
