Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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