Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
