I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
