it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
