I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
