At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
It's official drugs can't kill me
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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