My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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