my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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